Worse then imagined - Bon Jovi concert report

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I knew it was going to be bad but had no idea just how awful it would be.
Got to DC and found a parking garage. $30.00 dollars to park WTF.
Well , that started the night out right. No real option - had to pay it.

Found a restuarant close and ordered a drink. The waiter pranced over and explained they do not carry Bacardi 151 - he offers me a wine list instead. I go to the bar and the bar tender takes pity and pours me a double Bacardi. Order a steak and the waiter tells me they are not allowed to sell them rare. OK - now I'm getting pissed. I tell him I'll chance it - and tell him his tip is tied to how rare it comes out. Well , Mr. Baggy pants brings out a steak that is bloody and cold. He asks me if it is too rare - in a **** eating grin way. I tell him it is cooked much more then I like but I'll deal with it since we do not have much time

Once inside - it was cougar city. Oh what fun could have been had with 5-6 fake back stage passes. We find our seats and the opening band takes the stage. Think it was Stephen and the Limp Wrists or something like that. It was bad but I knew it would soon be worse. Went to get another drink and went up to the upper deck. Mother Fu^%er - they put up a fence so no one could jump. Walking back - I saw an electrical outlet and took my keys out of my pocket. Pushed a key in each slot and got a nice jolt but did not knock me out. The GFI tripped too early - all it did was make me piss my pants and catch my shirt on fire. Damn , got a drink and went back to my seat as Bon Jovi took the stage. Put in ear plugs but no way to drown out 7,000 people screaming.
Noticed the seat in front of me had a loose piece of metal so I started ramming my leg into it. Got a nice cut going when an older guy next to me grabbed my shoulder. He told me I was doing it wrong - he sugguested cutting my neck to allow the blood to flow faster - like a vent.He also told me to take out my ear plugs and put them in my nose to help me pass out faster. He seemed to be a veteran of bad concerts and I took his advice. That helped and soon I was light headed and the concert did not seem too bad. Then , no lie - they brought out an accordian . I staggered to the bathroom to drown myself but found all the toilets in use by other men with the same idea.

Noticed one guy crushing the deodorant rings from the urinal and snorting the powder. Pure genius - that has to work. I took it one step farther and ate some as well. Grabbed another drink on the way back to my seat and sat down. The powder was hitting me fast - my head was spinning but so was my stomach. Screw it - I let it rip and ended up ****ting my pants. No one noticed - they were all screaming and singing along. Enough of this - I took off my belt and began to strangle myself.

Not sure what happened next - really blurry. There was a quiet moment between songs and I apparently yelled out in pain.

This caught the lead singer's attention and a spot light was on me. He yelled out that is the type fan he loves to see - one who is so excited he can not be quiet.

They dragged me up on stage - my pants falling down , blood and piss running down one leg , **** down the other , my shirt burned and bloody. I could not stand up on my own so they got me a chair. Everyone was screaming as he asked me how I felt.

The microphone was too far away - I told him I wish I was dead. He heard - I wish to hear Dead or Alive.

They broke into the song - it is used as the theme on Deadliest Catch - although I doubt any there watch the show.

I looked at the power cords and crawled over to one and took a bite. Oh , the joy of unconciousness. Finally , I was at peace - or so I thought.

They brought me back to the stage and shook me awake. Dirty bastards.
Lead singer was still praising me as the number one DC fan so I showed him one finger and then messed up his hair.

Took 32 DC cops to pull the crowd from me. Doctors say I should be able to eat solid foods by Christmas. Best part - Bon Jovi filled a life time restraining order against me - so I never have to go again.

The nurse is feeding me pain pills and I've got some hard core stuff cranked on my head phones. Guess it wasn't so bad after all.